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I'm so down

After reading that thing on PTSD on Friday, I really got to thinking. A lot.

About work, about home, about relationships.

I see where I am and have been overly sensitive to things. Stupid fights have followed.

I see that every time an employer crosses the line in regard to my anxiety - poof - I'm outta there.

My anxiety and stress are so high that I want to quit my job and just relax.

Then I worry about the money. So I'm stressed so bad that I continue to work and look for another job.

But in the last five years I've had five jobs and that's not a "one job a year" thing. I left employer #5 when my son was a few months old. I went on to employer #4. I worked for #4 for 9 months then I left for employer #3 because I was PG and needed insurance. Employer #3 I stayed with until I had my daughter, then I was off work 8 weeks before gaining employment with employer #2. #2 fired me to hire his sister - I only worked about 3 months for #2. Then I was off work 2 months again before finding current boss from hell.

And I've been with boss from hell for 2+ years now. That's a lot of employers in 5 years.

PTSD effects your work. As soon as the line is crossed in the anxiety dept, for any small or large reason - boom - I'm gone.

Relationships need to stand the test of time. But before that can happen I have to be open to allow myself to get hurt and let people into me.

Gah!!!! Do you know how frightening that is for someone who has PTSD and who has had the trauma that caused it???

It is HORRIBLE.

I have let bigstan in. I have let Dita in. But I have known Dita since I was 12, or was it 10?

I trying to let B & R in. But R gets to philosophical - outrageously so - to the point anyone runs screaming holding their ears.

Talk about someone dominating a conversation!

But I go off track.

After a very STUPID fight - I think that JG understands me a little better. I know that she can understand fully the anxiety trauma I deal with.

I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm stressed. I'm depressed.

I'm thinking about disability. But I think that with disability you have to meet certain criteria. I think you cannot own a home, something that I currently do.

I seriously feel that I cannot continue on in the work force. The difficulty I have getting up on a daily basis is getting worse.

I think to myself "what makes me think I can switch jobs and it will be any better?"

Will it be any better? How long before the next boss crosses the anxiety line? How long will it be before I am looking for yet ANOTHER job?

I cannot hold it in any longer. I feel that I am falling apart. I can feel me crumbling more and more each day.

I don't want to get up tomorrow. I don't want to have to get the kids up and drag them off to the sitter.

I want to sleep in, I want to take the kids to breakfast, I want to take my son to preschool and take my daughter shopping.

I want to do that daily. Until I learn if my daughter can get into preschool with my son. Then I will take her to preschool too. And when he starts kindergarten, I will take him to school and pick him up.

I was raised to work. To be someone to work, to take care of everything - a care taker - to be the best worker and mom I can be. To work and provide for my children = good mom.

If I don't work, I cannot provide for my children, I cannot be the best mom.

I just want to go curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out right now. I want this headache to go away.

I want the kids to settle down and leave me in peace for a moment in time. Something that can't happen to a single mom with two very active children who are 5 & 3.

I'm so tired.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
fayted
Feb. 9th, 2003 08:07 pm (UTC)
disability
Federal social security-type funded you get money disability you must be without work under a doctors care, with multiple doctors stiplulating that you CanNot work in your field, for 1 year, thats 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days total, before they even consider it.

Just wanted to let you in on what info I had from my 9 month disability,god doesnt life suck-please dont send me back on disability again, stint.

~Meg
eyes_of_beauty
Feb. 9th, 2003 08:15 pm (UTC)
Re: disability & stressin
That's how my eyes feel right now. Kiddlings did everything in their power to send me over the edge tonight. The calvary arrived in the form of Uncle Bill Bill who settled their butts down and threatened them. After I had taken all stuffed toys, books, and blankies. AFTER I had spanked with my bare hand and the belt.

Its like they know and they do every thing they can to make it worse.

Even after taking migraine stuff I'm still in pain.

I'm on my way to bed now.

I AM under my family dr's care right now. He wants me to return to therapy and be under the care of a therapist as well.

I'm taking Buspar, Trazadone and I'm supposed to be taking Wellbutrin SR - but it does not go generic until August 2004 and the cheapest I have found it is $115.11 per month. I don't have prescription coverage on my health insurance so I went and got on a discount program. I'm going to call the pharmacy tomorrow as they were on the list of pharmacies that accept this program and see what the cost is now going to be and maybe get a refill - I'm getting worse - I swear it.

Even if the Buspar and Trazadone DO have 2/3 of what the Wellbutrin give me - I think I'm in agreement with bigstan now that it also gives me benefits - outside of an increased sex drive.

I'm just feeling like I'm on the brink, the edge, ready to jump off - or pound my head in.

Tonight it was pound my head in. With a sledge hammer.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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