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Today

Has been a very distressing day. It all started out well and good. I got a lot of work done before I left at 1:00 p.m. for home. Got the C man and headed for his new school. He had his testing and interview. At first he didn't want to answer any questions. He told the teacher, "I know that but I don't want to tell you about it now". She told him then he must NOT know it and therefore he could not start Kindergarten.

The ham kicked in. Where this kid got all this "ham" is beyond me. But the showboat he is for sure.

Then the meeting with daycare.

Sigh.

Kids are well, thank goodness, but much therapy must ensue. For them, for me.

I know I'm not a bad mom. I know I have been a single, working mom for a very long time. But this all just takes the cake. It puts me over the edge and makes the reason I have PTSD & anxiety quite evident.

I do the best I can. I bring home the bacon. I pay the bills. Dads help out with what they have to and that is a really big help in so many ways I cannot begin to express.

Yet the fact that I could not be a SAHM slams me right in the face. All this stuff that has happened because I could NOT be one. It's like I've just been hit square in the face with a brick fist. I can smell the iron that is my blood in my nose. Damn.

The hubby is wonderful in the emotional department. He helps me out.

Dita is ALWAYS there for me.

writanya and I are growing closer through all of these trials and tribulations we both endure. She is there for me in more ways than I can express.

Funny how in the midst of your own drama someone else's always comes in - usually not intentionally - and then you think "wow, I don't have it that bad". Yet really you feel like nothing could be worse than your own right now.

I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm out of tears, for right now. I'm ready to fall face first into bed. Yet I have the energy to go out and dance my ass off until the sun comes up. Sleep will win out first - thank goodness.

Its been a long time since I have done the dancing thing. One night bigstan and I will hit club and chat and be that couple, just not right now.

I need it for therapy. One night and I will remember just WHY it is that I don't go do that anymore. Then I will be out of it for a while until I get the bug again. lol

I'm feeling really really old right now. Old and tired and worn out. Used and abused.

Yet its always darkest before the dawn and for certain that I am the strongest person I know and this will all come out for the better in the end.

I will be stronger, my family will be stronger, especially my children, and my friendships will be stronger.

That's alot of strength.

I am LEO - HEAR ME ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
writanya
Aug. 26th, 2003 04:40 am (UTC)
When you need them is when you find out who your true friends are.
eyes_of_beauty
Aug. 26th, 2003 06:46 am (UTC)
Amen
perdita_saxon
Aug. 26th, 2003 06:17 am (UTC)
Amazing
The amount of people you think are your 'friends' - really turn out to be pleasant acquaintances.

most people don't or aren't able to do the work to be the friend.
And that chickiebabes is the most patethic level a human being can exsist at.
eyes_of_beauty
Aug. 26th, 2003 06:47 am (UTC)
Re: Amazing
Wasn't this our conversation of one day last week?
perdita_saxon
Aug. 26th, 2003 07:11 am (UTC)
Re: Amazing
Some things bear repeating OFTEN like:

look both ways before you cross the street

pay attention to what's going on around you

listen to dita
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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