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This AM

While getting ready for work this morning I started to cry. I asked bigstan if we had any money anywhere that could sustain us until he got working.

I had a very puzzled bigstan on my hands.

I am only remaining at this job because I don't want to start another one only to quit when bigstan has been working a job long enough to bring in a paycheck and get past the 90 day thing.

I got a call from Manpower the other day that I have not returned. I'm wondering if I shouldn't or should.

I guess I could work temporarily until bigstan is working full time, etc.

That's what this feels like. But I've GOT to get out of here.

I had my med check yesterday. The dr told me several things - 1st - he upped my med dosage at night because I'm STILL not sleeping; 2nd - he told me to tell my DH that HE said to get a job; 3rd - he told me AGAIN to get the hell out of this job NOW

When there is no income from any other source, how do you do this? (This is a rheutorical question - not looking for answers because there really aren't any out there)

This is my feeling only, not reality: I feel like I can't leave this job until there is another source of income (basic truth). I feel like my DH doesn't have the motivation to get a job because I'm working and supporting us (not necessarily true, just how I feel). I've even discussed this with DH and told him this is how I FEEL, not how it really is for all I know.

I feel like I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of death and I can't get out of it and I'm spiraling ever downward.

Yesterday, the boss actually let me have the AM off for the Dr. appointment. This was a shock. But the PM person covered me and I took her place. It was nice not having to RUSH to get anywhere. I went ahead and came into work an hour earlier than he had said because I knew he'd have my desk stacked, and sure enough it was.

But right now, I just want to get up and walk away from here. I want to quit and walk out the door.

I'm drained and I'm done. And I don't see me hanging on any longer.

In 45 minutes +/- I'm supposed to go to Sheriff's Sales. I will go, but not because I want to go.

I guess I really need to talk to the boss and tell him how I feel about it here and why I'm really still here.

Maybe then he'll understand that I want out of here and somehow let me go.

Its that suffocating relationship - that co-dependency. I depend on the job for income and boss depends on me to keep his biz alive, so he keeps holding me down.

Well, I've finally drowned. I'm not fighting any more. I need to go. I need to go now.

Dammit, I can't cry! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let him get out of this DV hearing so HE can go to the sales!

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
perdita_saxon
Sep. 11th, 2003 06:52 am (UTC)
I don't suppose
you could check into that 'other option' we discussed?

You do have proof, what else would you need???
eyes_of_beauty
Sep. 11th, 2003 08:12 am (UTC)
Re: I don't suppose
I've been told that the other option takes FOREVER to get going on. Plus you can't work PERIOD, blah blah blah.

Sigh, gotta wonder if its worth it.
perdita_saxon
Sep. 11th, 2003 08:15 am (UTC)
Re: I don't suppose
I know.
That's why it's called an 'option'.

eyes_of_beauty
Sep. 11th, 2003 08:18 am (UTC)
Re: I don't suppose
Smacks you for being Ms. Obvious.

LOL

Runs away really fast
perdita_saxon
Sep. 11th, 2003 09:36 am (UTC)
Re: I don't suppose
Damn (ow) that had BETTER not leave a mark....

We know how delicate i am...

Who am I again to you?
The person who tells you to look under your nose.
Obvious.
eyes_of_beauty
Sep. 11th, 2003 10:18 am (UTC)
Re: I don't suppose
Don't worry, I didn't smack you TOOOOO hard. :)

We ALLLLL know how *I* need smacked with the obvious that's right under my nose from time to time.

To top things off, I got up this AM thinking "Its Friday." Got my schedule all screwed up by staying til 5:00 p.m. yesterday. Sigh.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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