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So in a mood

to rant and rave about stupid people drivers who suck and such. But I've already went off on that tangent several posts ago. Only that time it was in heavy rain, this time its in snow. Stupid people drivers who suck. Anywho...

Ever just had one of those times when you were down and just wanted to go on a rampage somewhere?

Sometimes I want to just start cutting people off of my friends list. For no reason whatsoever. You'd think I were mad at that person one but I'm not. Its just an impulse thing.

Sometimes I just want to run. Get the hell out of the house and run and run and run until I'm exhausted.

Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night because I can't sleep and I feel like roaming. I want to go to Meijer and just roam around for hours. Not necessarily purchase anything, but look. Until my mind has tuckered out and I can go home and sleep.

I feel so isolated sometimes. Though I really am not.

Being SAHM has not changed any of these feelings for me.

When Bill Bill was here he would be up all night playing his PS2. And I knew when I couldn't sleep that I could leave and he would be here for the kids and I could go and did.

I kinda miss that.

DH is the most wonderful husband in the world. I love him more than I have ever thought it possible to love.

Yet I don't really want to just get up, leaving him and kids sleep, and go roaming. If something should happen while I was out they would freak if I were not here.

I further think that since we have been battling recently about something that only my sister, mom and writanya know about - and we are talking really battling here - I'm feeling out of sorts again.

I do wonder if I'm going stir crazy being at home with kiddlings day in and day out but they, and housework, keep me busy.

Sitting here looking around this place I see all the work that needs done to it to get it ready for sale. And then I look at the stuff in the house and I realize that in order for me to be able to do what I have to, we have to move completely out of here. I'm not kidding.

I realize that I'm babbling.

I vented to writanya over my DH. Wow, I haven't done that in a while. Vented to her I mean. Usually Dita gets it.

Dita's out of the loop on this one. ^~^

For a moment, I thought I had a grasp on how I am feeling but then it slipped away. I hate when that happens. Ugh. Argh.

I realize also that I'm missing people in my life. The things I used to do with them. I miss PK. I miss Lorie. I miss just running off with them to go whereever and talk and eat Mexican and drink expresso and coffee combinations seemingly so bizzare that they make sense to us.

They are still there, but they are not. And to me that makes sense.

We all have our own lives.

But one question I have is why is it so difficult for people to come to me instead of me always going to them?

From time to time people come to me. That is more greatly appreciated than I can ever express. It makes me feel important enough to those people that they WANT to come to see me.

Maybe thats what I'm feeling. Unimportant.

Is that selfish or what?

I'm told daily by my DH how much I'm loved and what a wonderful mom I am and what a great wife I am.

But I need to feel important.

Now thinking about it, that is what I've been lacking. I feel used. Mostly in my professional life. I felt that I was unimportant as a person and more important as a slave.

But I also feel that way in my personal life. Sure we can do things, only I have to go to them.

I admit my children drive me nuts. But whose kids are so perfect that they do not drive their parents up a wall? I haven't met one yet.

I am important to my family - immediate mostly.

I know which of my friends places high value on me.

Yet somehow I'm missing feeling important.

I feel second hand. Like instead of a new pair of jeans, I was purchased at a consignment shop.

Sure, those other jeans are worn in and cheaper, but isn't it nice to have the money to get those new jeans from time to time?

Yeah, call this an "oh woe is me" post. But its not really. Its just me exploring myself and my feelings.

I feel good being at home with my children. I think it was the best decision I've ever made in my life. TA can kiss mine.

I feel good that I have a loving husband, who I am passionate with in every aspect of our marriage. How we fight, how we go about life, how we do other things (hubba hubba). Passionate.

I feel good that we have money in the bank. Enough to take care of the problems with the van, pay the bills, and even look at purchasing a new home.

But I'm lacking something. I can't put my finger on it. Its just there, this empty hole that I'm trying to fill up with other things and nothing is fitting properly.

And perhaps my long post is an indication that I need to sit my ass down and pick up pen and paper and write. Write whatever I'm in the mood to write about. Whether it be poetry or fanfic or something new and original.

I can get pretty passionate there too. In my writing. Even if in the long run its only for me to see, to read.

Where did my poetry go? You know, the stuff I put in my info section that I started this journal for. I currently haven't clue one.

I feel unimportant. I'm missing something and I don't know what it is.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 26th, 2004 08:55 am (UTC)
You are fighting
the feeling of being overwhelemed by a house. You just want to leave it(NOW) and go somewhere else bigger, nicer nieghorhood.

Plus it's winter - you always get all out of sorts in winter. You need the warmth of the sun and extra daylight.
Jan. 26th, 2004 08:59 am (UTC)
and I miss chatting with you daily. No, really, I'm fiending for Dita chats!
Jan. 26th, 2004 11:39 am (UTC)
I know I miss you too!
When I am availible to talk, you have got both the kids. The moment they sense your attentions isnt focused on them, that's when the trouble starts.

For us, it's a matter of timing. Trying to coordinate 4 different families and schedules requires a flexibility. I just usually work with your schedule, it's easier.
Jan. 26th, 2004 12:35 pm (UTC)
Re: I know I miss you too!
Yeah, I'm easy. Don't let that get around. ;)

I don't know why my children + the telephone = magnets but it does. I cannot go anywhere in the house that they do not follow me when I'm on the phone.

Though I've noticed that as soon as I call you, Princess is like "Mama, who is that?" Then "Mama, Can I say hi to her?"

I really hate trying to call you at work. The best time for me is usually when CJ is in school cause B can just entertain herself.

There is no way in hell I'd want to chat with you on the cell in THIS weather. You need your reflexs to avoid all of the stupid people who think they are Nascar drivers and that they are even better drivers in the snow.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )



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