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Its all in the mind

As you may have read, I had that job interview yesterday. I think it went really well. DH is well pleased. He boasted to his mom how it went and she is also well pleased.

I don't want this job. I don't know how much clearer I can make that to my DH. I've said these exact words.

I went through the +s and -s yesterday on here. I went through them again with DH.

I stressed for the umpteenth time how I do not want this job. He stressed about how much I needed to take this job if it was offered. He said that his mom prays that I get it. (For those who don't know - my MIL is a minister and my FIL is a retired minister)

This morning I awaken at 5 a.m. Mostly because I get used to DH's alarm going off at this time during his work week. And I realize that not only can't I breath out of either nostral so that I'm breathing out of my mouth but that my throat is swollen and sore and my ears are aching terribly.


When I went to bed last night, I said my prayers as I always do. I try to talk to God like I would any friend or this LJ. I was taught that God wants me to talk to him this way, to tell him my wants, my thoughts, my desires - even though he already knows what they are. He doesn't promise me that he will give me what I want, but from what I have been taught he does promise me to give me what I need.

My favorite passage from the Bible is the one where ?? is saying to 'See the birds of the field and see the flowers, He feeds them and clothes them, if He takes care of such as these, think of how He will take care of you.' So that's not an exact quote but it goes something like that.

He provides them with their needs.

Yes, we NEED a new house. We NEED to get this one fixed for sale.

But at what cost? My sanity? My health? Perhaps even my marriage?

Given a choice - and we all have the ability to make them - for my health, sanity and marriage I will NOT return to work as it causes me great stress and great stress causes me to be ill.

This will grieve DH that I feel this way, but he has been told, he has been warned. He too has a choice. If he chooses to badger and bully me into something that I do not want, then he will have to live with the consiquences of me being permanently ill and totally nasty. Perhaps to the detriment of our marriage.

If he chooses my happiness, my mental well being and physical health, then he will leave me alone if they say they want me and I turn them down.

So, I'm currently sick. The exact thing I just boasted about noticing that I have NOT had in a while just a few posts back.

Its all in the mind.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 12th, 2004 09:49 am (UTC)
You CANT go back to work
There arent enough drugs to stop the ptss.
if you had gotten the job a YEAR ago, ok things might be different.
But they lost their chance.

It's nice to be wanted - but do not go back to work!!
stay working for yourself!
Feb. 12th, 2004 12:08 pm (UTC)
Re: You CANT go back to work
See, I love my husband very much, but for things like this I need my friends. The love and support I get from you, and each of the others, cannot be measured!! Thank you.
Feb. 12th, 2004 12:30 pm (UTC)
Re: You CANT go back to work
Hell, there aren't enough drugs for ME to deal with you in the freaking crazy tree.

A year ago, things would be different - but would there have been a siemens opportunity if you were working? Honestly?

Love you babe, but get an official diagnosis and get SS
Feb. 13th, 2004 06:48 am (UTC)
Re: You CANT go back to work
He would have probably passed on Siemans had I been working because I made enough to carry us. He wants me to get this job desperately because it would double our income.

The stress of this non-understanding of his has made me sick again.

Got the diagnosis. Unfortunately, the line to SS is long, tedious, and filled with minute shit that they absolutely MUST have in order to process even the request. I mean, you have to be DYING or something to get SS.
Feb. 13th, 2004 08:34 am (UTC)
Re: You CANT go back to work
Well, get the minute detail shit in order.
And you're working would not double your income.
Because you would be spending 1/2 of for Daycare and school age care.
Then you would be spending the other half on the gas, clothes, food you would need to go back to work!

Get off the stick and pro act baby!!
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )



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