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Needs

There are times when things have been running around in my head all day and I need to talk. You are not there to talk to. It happens. Way too much.

Then when I DO finally talk to you, you want me to hold off in talking about the subject matter because you believe that it is a "face to face" type of thing to talk about.

Well, that would all be well and good, if I got to see you later that night, or the next day. But usually it is days and days away.

I cannot wait for a face to face time when I need to talk.

This is my need to talk. NEED - you see. It is a need.

And I cannot deny my need for days on end.

Besides that, it just runs around in my brain for those days and it is all that I can focus on because my need to talk about the subject is so great.

I word it and reword it and reword is about a dozen times to the Nth degree.

I do this to the point that I start thinking beyond that need and it gets wild and out of control. In my mind.

Then by the time I DO see you I feel all crazy and it comes out insane or something.

Well, not really, but it seems that way.

I'm so tired right now. I feel like there is something wrong with me.

I just want to throw up my hands and go hide under my blankets until everything is all said and done and I have slept forever and a day and you all have figured it out without me and it has all come out good in the end and you have found out you don't need me to be the "fix it" or the "take care of it" or the dumping ground for what it is that you do not want to do.

I want someone to fix the kids dinner and to bathe them and get them to bed and to leave me all alone for a few nights so I can write or read or watch videos or just sleep for a long time.

I want someone to go to work and bring home the money to pay all of the bills so I can be the one to sleep in and take care of the rowdy kids and take care of the messy house.

If I could only sleep in to 8:30 a.m. daily that would be so nice. If I did not have to worry about where the money was coming from to pay the bills, feed the kids, give us nights out and entertainment.

If only I could be the one to take the kids to school and eat lunch at school with them and go on their field trips with them.

If only I didn't have to be the one to make the phone calls and make all arrangements on top of everything else I do.

Someone told me to tell you to do it all.

You make the phone calls. You make the arrangements. You make the plans. You get a job. You worry about it all. And leave me alone. Only tell me what when where why and how.

I guess all I'm looking for is peace of mind. I'm looking for you to take over so I don't have to worry about everything with us on top of worrying about finding a job and worrying about whether or not I have enough money to pay the house payment and the property taxes that are due at the same time.

I'm so tired. I think there is something wrong with me. Because I am worrying about finding a new job and where is the money coming from and will I have enough to feed the kids and can I get us all up and ready at the same time to get to the sitters and to work. Then I have to make the phone calls to make sure that everything is happening for us - to everything - because you are not doing it.

All you have to worry about is school. Getting there. Is your homework done? Are you ready for that test? Keeping that 4.0.

I'm not saying this is a bad thing. This is a good thing. But you have time to do more.

And - get a f'in job.

Though with me looking right now I know how tough it is out there. So I try to make suggestions for you and send you to sites or offices I know are looking for people or suspect might be.

See, I'm even job hunting for you on top of everything else I am doing.

Screams into the dark back yard.

Can't I just hole up for a while?

When can I be me? When can I get my time?

Are you listening to me? Do you hear me? Can you read this? Do you care?

Ok, I know that last one was not fair. Yes, you do care.

So now guess what!?! DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!!!

You tell me that missing ONE of my three meds you can tell a difference in me. When the dr tells me that the other two more than make up for the one. And its cheaper too.

Hum. Must be you. What is missing? You stepping up and stepping in and taking on the responsibility that you need to take.

Dr asks me, do you have someone to help you kid wrangle?

Nope. Not one person to help me.

He means during the week - not on weekends.

I'm so in such a point where I don't know what I want. I don't know which way *I* want to go.

I'm even rambling and making no sense whatsoever while a 5 yo cleans my house. My FIVE year old is cleaning the house. WTH?

Whose child is this??!!

If only he could teach his sister to help.

*chuckles*

That would be nice.

Then Grace No strikes again. I find her in the basement where she did not tell me she was going nor did she ask to go play down there. Sigh.

So getting her upstairs she trips on nothing and falls flat on her face. And laughs.

Grace No. That should have been her name. Sir Whineypuss should have been his.

But he's CLEANING. Wow. Something I never thought I would live to see.

Ergo, I must be dead.

That's it. The need to discuss something important to me has caused me massive heart failure or my brain shut down and now I'm dead. Cause my 5 yo is cleaning the house.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
eyes_of_beauty
Jan. 30th, 2003 06:38 am (UTC)
And your first clue was ???
Still. Even after getting to talk and be heard.

Apparently I'm now apathetic.

Isn't that neat?
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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