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My Turn

My favorite game is the game of telephone.

One thing gets said in the outset by say, oh, me, and it comes back to me that I said something completely different and someone is all up in arms about what I supposedly said.

The funny - well, not really funny - thing is that this has been happening to me - ME - way too much lately.

And it has, and is, really peeving me off to no extent.

The person it is happening most with is someone who I consider to be one of my closest friends. It is because of this crap that I want to withdraw from the friendship for a while.

Every time I talk to the person I hear that I have said X or I have done Y or it comes across like myself and the other people closest in my life are causing this person trouble or harm or spreading lies about either this person or people this person cares about.


I must get around. Yet I never go anywhere.

So if I don't get out all that much, how am I doing or saying or causing? Same for the certain ones closest to me.

I am not saying I'm innocent, nor anyone else. No one is innocent except for maybe a little baby and the special needs group.

But it really gripes me. I want to go off like a bomb in the direction I believe it to be coming from. I want to rip someone to shreads.

I went off on someone like that once. I got an email the next day from the person saying to never speak to them again. I so laughed hard at that email. I did respond. I told them that I burned the bridge to them the minute I hung up the phone and for them to never contact me - in any form - ever again.

That was what I got for trying to reach out to a person who should have been there for me from day one and who prefered to lead another life than include me in it as he should have all along.

That is why you will hear me say I have a sperm donar but not a father or a dad.

I never had a dad or a father. And the sperm donar can kiss my ass.

But that is off the point - while only a little.

I KNOW where my little circle of family is, what they do, who they see, when they see them, where they go.

I don't know what happens when my kids are with their dads. Dads go out and such. R & B not so much as they have The Man and their Little Man and tend to stay in and have people over if anything when they have The Man.

D takes Boo and runs with her. It is his decision and I have no say. As long as he is taking care of her and she is not harmed by anyone he is with.

Yet I KNOW where my lover, my heart is. Pretty much at all times. The only times I don't know where he is I learn from him after the fact where he was at. He tells me everything.

His sphere of existance is in school, with the parental units, with me, at J's every Sunday evening and with S & C every other week for a couple of hours.

He only gets around the rest of the "group" we hang with when it is a WE thing. Occassionally he will get restless and end up at Warehouse on a Wednesday night after school. But he calls me on the way there and tells me about it the next day.

He tells me who he sees, and when he sees them.

So how is HE doing anything to anyone?

I'm tired of bullshit. I'm tired of hearing that I did this or he did that or we were off here or there doing this or saying that to this or that person about this or that thing.

This just adds to the reasons that I want to have a teeny tiny wedding and no reception.

Because too many people would NOT be invited, to either, and toes would be stepped on and shit would be flung out of stupidity and idiocy and I just want to avoid the drama.

Le sigh.

I so love the game of telephone. It is my favorite game. Even if I don't play it, somehow I end up doing so in the end. I get sucked in. Whether I want to be or not.

I know that is how life goes. But in the current "group" I know - even am affiliated with - I am still the newer person, my roots are not as deep.

The ones spreading lies and causing crap and pointing fingers at me are going to be believed sooner than I will because they are know. Even their penchance for embelishing is known.

But because I am the "newbie" - meaning new within the last 5 years - then I am not as well known as they are, as close as they are, and therefore it is I who must be at fault - even if I didn't do it or say it.

So the game of telephone shall go on. My life does not end. My choices must be made in accordance with what I observe.

Yet again, Rapunzel, letting down her hair, has some idiot with a large pair of hedge clippers heading for her to chop it off and try to strand her in her tower.

I'm just lucky that I decided to put that door in two years ago. I can escape out the back and the idiot will be none the wiser and will be hacking away at a decoy hair extension.

All it means to me is that I must pull in again. Regroup. Pear my inner circle down for a while and observe. See if I want to branch out, reach out, allow myself to be touched.

I'm not dealing with bullshit. I'm not dealing with drama. I'm not opening up to give cause or allow that stupid idiot with the hedge clippers a chance at my hair.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 1st, 2003 09:07 pm (UTC)
I am still high from the shot that I got in the but so sorry if I am 2 much to stupid 2 understand WHAT IN THE HELL are you talking about. Did I miss something in my purple haze? I sound like it has been a good thing that I have been shut away from the world for the last 2 weeks with illness all around me. Dare I come out of it or should I just start a illness ?clince?
Feb. 2nd, 2003 04:13 pm (UTC)
Well, I'm mental so you may have to make a padded room in that clinic just for me.

Sometimes its nice to stay in a foggy haze and miss the rest of the crap.

Wish I were in a position to do that now. HEADACHE

You take care and get well.
Feb. 2nd, 2003 04:41 pm (UTC)
What does penchance mean?
Feb. 3rd, 2003 06:03 am (UTC)
Re: ummmm....
In thinking of the best way to respond, acting like a thesauraus personally, knowing what I was meaning to say - I had to look up the word to make sure I was spelling it right. I was not, silly me. "penchance" should be "penchant".

Basically I was saying I have a tendency or a knack. So you can re-read it and replace "penchance" with tendency or knack or even propensity or inclination or affinity or predisposition (although maybe that last word does not fit as well).

I hope that answers your question.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )



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