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My biggest fears

Or perhaps I should say my biggest worries - either way - they scare the living hell out of me.

My biggest fears always have been:

A) Someone coming into my house through a basement window and killing me, or my children, or all three of us.

Like someone would just come into a house to kill, but I fear it could happen.

B) Being homeless and being impoverished (is that even a word?)

Growing up in poverty, my mother wondering where the next meal was coming from - unbeknownst to us children - but I am much aware of it now as an adult and a parent - this scares me. It scares me that I might not be able to provide financially for my family. It scares me that my SO would not be interested in providing for myself and my children - even though they are not his they come with me because I'm a package deal.

See, I've had that happen. My ex-husband would sit in front of the computer day in and day out playing Evercrack.

He could have cared less if there was a house or food so long as he had Evercrack, cigarettes, and Mt. Dew. He ignored me, he ignored the children, he ignored our needs.

Because of this experience, I am very VERY afraid. I cannot go through that ever again.

But before this experience, I still feared poverty, being homeless. This experience just added to that fear.

NOW ... with the threat of war upon us ... the threat of chemical warfare ... I am petrified.

I am petrified that my children would not understand why mommy had blocked us in one half of the house. I am petrified that they will want something from the other part of the house and go out there and die. I am petrified that they will try to drink the water from the sink in the bathroom and die.

In regard to A and the chemical warfare:

I am petrified that I will not be able to protect my children and we will all die, no one finding us for days, no one noticing us missing, multiple calls from family and friends left on my answering machine and cell phone voice mail but no one bothering to come to check on us.

See, I'm reclusive as much as I possibly can be. I don't like going "visiting" really. I do it, because people invite me over and want to see me. 9 times out of 10 it is my family. Bugging the hell out of me becaues they have not seen me or the kids over at their house in a while. But mostly I just hang out at home.

My friends are different. I don't get together with them all that often, so when I'm invited, I go to see them, because I want to see them, I want to hang with them, I want to talk to them. Before I go back into my shell.

I go out when I want to, taking the children with me to the grocery, shopping, dinner.

If I didn't have to leave the house to go to work to earn money to allay my fear of poverty, I wouldn't.

People don't realize how awkward and shy I really am. I overcompensate and end up looking the ass.

But all my fears, terrify me.

Above and beyond anything I want my children to grow up, to grow old, to experience life - in a better way then I did.

I don't know what I can do about stopping the fear that someone will come in through the basement and kill us outside of totally blockading the windows down there and that is not quite the smart thing to do because what if there were a fire and we were trapped in the basement? We would need an escape and those windows are the perfect size for me to shove the kids out of and then me climb out of.

It is the fear of a fire happening that keeps me from closing the windows off completely.

All I can do about my fear of homelessness and poverty is work. Work at a job, find a better paying job, keep going until I'm comfortable or in a position that I can grow and learn and earn more. I never want to stop growing. I never want to stop learning.

All I want is to protect my children, keep their bellys full, a roof over their heads, education, and give them all those things that they need - with the occasional want granted because mommy has the money to do so.



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November 2005
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