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I hate this crap

Chaos, my life - that's all it is - giant mass of chaos.

No matter how much I pull into my hole, how much I remain in my house, how much I keep myself out of the circles and loops. Chaos.

I did it to myself really. By making all of the wrong choices.

Those choices brought some people into my life that I wish to remain, but whom I am afraid of going around any more.

I don't wish to bring them into my chaos.

I do tell them about it and then afterwards I just wish I could retract it all and keep it to just myself. And Dita.

Dita is my sanity, my sanctuary.

She brings me down to earth when my head is up in the clouds. She bangs her head, or wrings her hands, or just completely goes off on me, with me, over things.

She called my life a soap opera today. She agreed with me that chaos was the best way to describe things.

Used to be that I thrived in chaos. That was when I was truly alive.

But I have changed.

Yet I cannot seem to leave chaos behind me.

Then there is bigstan - Who was I before he came into my life?

I am in awe and in wonder of him.

I can talk to him about the chaos and find I have a very strong assertive man standing ground behind me. Supporting me.

What is that? What is support?

I have never been supported before.

6'2", eyes of blue, beautiful blond hair

I melt with his arms around me. I miss him when he is not with me.

He is so very supportive of me. He is also very good with my kids. He loves them and they love him.

What on this Earth did I finally do right to have him?

What in the Heavens did I do that turned his eyes to me?

I hate being in chaos, trauma, drama.

I wish I could cut that out of my life forever.

But there are those who will be in my life - of the kind I cannot control because I made the bad choices - who thrive on drama and pulling me into it.

Because of who they are, where they fit, what part they play in my life, I cannot escape them, ever.

I would be so happy if they just went away. I would be very happy if I could just sink down into bigstan's arms, watch a movie, snuggle and go to sleep.

He will be here soon enough this night. Hurry love!! I need you.

I want off of this merry-go-round of chaos - I hate this crap.

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