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A comment I made to Dita in response to her comment to me on another matter really got me thinking as I drove into work this AM.

We had discussed hindsight and retrospect about our lives one day. In that discussion we threw away past angsty men and focused only on our friendship.

What we discussed is how, if we could go back, we would change some things in our lives. Mainly immediately after HS.

See, I drive down Ross Ave. in Hamiltuky West Side to get to Downtown Hamiltucky daily during the week. There are all of these houses for rent. Nice big houses. In a rather nice type of area, close to Miami U Hamilton.

We had discussed what we SHOULD have done was get me into MUH as well as that is where Dita went to begin with. Then we could have rented a house or such, worked PT locally at Kmart or something, and went to college.

We would have been hell on our own at that age - especially together.

At that time in my life I had financial backing from the grandparents so they would have helped out in the rent, etc. dept.

It would have been so cool. It would have been so grand. And I would not have done some of the very stupid shit I did. I think that Dita could say the same for herself.

We could have certainly done without the dumbass men we had in our lives at that moment in time. We could have found some other dumbass men to use, abuse, and toss away while going to school before we got our careers and lives together.

I do know that the decisions I made, bad as they were, lead me to the career I have and to bigstan. If I had not made those bad decisions would I be where I am at now with who I am with? Would I have these same friends I have now?

I don't know. Hindsight is 20/20. Retrospect is just that.

In Retrospect I would have done a few things differently.

Yet I now have two of the most wonderful and loving children and a fabulous man in my life because of some of the worst decisions I could have made.

Nor do I say that the people who I made the bad decisions about didn't make bad decisions in chosing me to be in their life either. I'm talking significant others.

Maybe they feel the same way about me.

But we together made these bad decisions and have learned lessons from them. Some of them I am still firends with or in contact with, others I have no desire to ever see again.

Yet in Retrospect, it would have been fun to be with Dita, in Hamiltucky, in a house or such, going to school, working part-time, and being a college student.

As I said somewhere, I think I missed out. I missed out on the cheap apartments, I missed out on the partying and fun of being a teen out on her own and in college.

Do I advocate this for my children? Only if my children exhibit any of the same behaviors and such as I did.

I was pretty good kid with a good head on my shoulders. If they exhibit this, then yes, I advocate them going out on their own in their late teens, and being college students. I advocate them living with their buddies and working PT.

Because I know that I can trust them.

If only I had felt the same trust from my family.

Instead I felt suffocated so I did exactly what any suffocated feeling teen did. I ran off and married the worst person I could to escape that. To escape.

Please God, do not let me be so overbearing, so overprotective of my children that I chase them into the arms of a person who is not good for them, who will cause them harm and pain. Let me be just overbearing and overprotective enough to allow them the freedom to be individuals with the best gear I can give them to make it in this crazy world on their own.

Please don't let me tie my children down as I felt tied down. I want them to feel loved, to feel special, and to feel that they are trusted. I want to ensure they have wings to fly.



( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 27th, 2003 08:20 am (UTC)
Smack on the back of the head
No, you would not be where you are now, becasue you would have 2 pieces of paper. One high school and one university.

Yes, you would still be stuck with me!

And to think, I was thought to be the 'good' influence...........
Mar. 27th, 2003 08:38 am (UTC)
Re: Smack on the back of the head

And to think, I was thought to be the 'good' influence...........bwahahahahahaha

Someone was on crack that day let me tell you
Mar. 27th, 2003 09:53 am (UTC)
No kidding
You have have nearly snorted when you heard that...

You did miss so much.
It would have been so much fun.

As for the throw-aways.
I have 3 words for you....
Exchange student program!
Mar. 27th, 2003 11:27 am (UTC)
Re: No kidding
You did miss so much.

Thought so. *kicks self* It is for this reason that I want my kids to get out there and live life. Let them be baggers at Jungle Jim's as Pet was. Or even stockers or cashiers.

I don't care what they do to get them through college. As long as its not sell drugs and prostitution. Something legitimate.

Just get out of here and have fun dammit!!!

Even though The Man tells me that he will live with me for the rest of his life. I tell him, your name is not Jonathan. Get out.

But you know how I grew up, and you know that I will do my best to give my kids the confidence, etc., that I lacked. And you know that I will do my best to NOT be smothering.
Mar. 27th, 2003 12:39 pm (UTC)
Our Kids
Are so much more aware and personable.

I want to make sure the princess has the tools and confidence she will need.
But at the rate she is going.... oy.

Mar. 27th, 2003 01:09 pm (UTC)
Re: Our Kids
You didn't specify which princess. But what you said can apply to both of our princesses.

Oy indeed!
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )



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